I did not have the faintest clue when I saw her for the first time, that that stranger would become the first and only woman who almost, almost managed to break my heart; the first and only woman who would make the first bold attempt at ridding me of my innocence.
That was, beyond any doubt, the experience of my life which left permanent scars in the deepest part of my soul. It was an unforgettable experience which would leave memories impressed on marble for the next two or three decades of my life. Neither of us had the slightest idea when we ran into each other at that first-day-of-school dance that something so life-changing would develop in the first few weeks of classes.
I couldn’t help it: I fell in love with her. Things happened without me being able to do anything about it. At that tender age of fifteen, one does not reason. One is vulnerable to the intoxicating scent of her perfume, that captivating smile, the impeccable whiteness of her teeth. Not to mention her beautiful smile while she batted her eyelashes flirtatiously. Oh!
To cap it all, Diana possessed that internal beauty which goes beyond physical attributes; that internal beauty which had nothing to do with the delicate skin; that beauty which cannot be acquired with cosmetics nor make-up: virtue and a magnetic personality. Here was a woman who despite being beautiful and of an upper-class family, she was one of the most down-to-earth personable women I have ever met. With these attributes, and being the daughter of the Colombian ambassador in this tiny Caribbean nation, Diana was definitely one of the most coveted young ladies in town. As the months went by our friendship grew, and that friendship in an unexpected moment turned into love – into love or something resembling love. Definitely a very strong sexual attraction developed. From the start I knew I was making a mistake. But I was unable to control my emotions.
Maybe I would have reasoned better had I known how intimate Diana’s relationship was with her boyfriend. But at my age, it was inconceivable that the woman whom I was in love with could have a lover. Inconceivable. Preposterous. Up to that time, I had fallen in love many times with innocent young ladies: their ages ranged from 6-15. I could have never imagined that one of these beings who for me meant so much, could ever do what Diana did to me. She made me love her, while she was already sharing with someone the supreme experience that a man and a woman could share. In this way, I got to know what jealousy was all about: a mixture of sadness, bitterness, hate and contempt toward the two of them. I will never forget that horrible day when I had to discover, accidentally, that Diana and her boyfriend were lovers. It was a shocking blow.
By pure chance I had to hear the conversation between Diana and one of her girlfriends. When I understood what they were talking about, I felt myself sinking in a deep, dark, bottomless hole. The sadness which overwhelmed me was only similar to the sadness I felt when my grandmother had died.
From there onwards I made myself a promise: Never again would I set my eyes on a woman who is already taken. Only in this way would I be assured that this situation would not repeat itself.
I remember that beautiful afternoon that we spent together in the privacy of her own home. That morning she had decided to make one last bold attempt to carry out her wishes by inviting me to her home. The invitation took me by surprise. I accepted without thinking, a bit nervous imagining the consequences of being alone with this woman.
When I arrived to her home, my heart was pounding fast. I knocked on the door and Diana opened. Surprisingly, she was also very nervous. Our eyes met, and there was a pregnant pause neither of us knowing what to say. She looked gorgeous. Her black ‘mane’ loose over her shoulders, the revealing black mini-skirt, her feet completely naked and that faded blue top intentionally unbuttoned showing hints of a black bra. All those details left no doubt in my mind that before me was a woman who feared no man since life for her no longer held any secrets. Diana had tried everything – at least once.
Minutes later, we found ourselves alone, sitting one in front of the other, Diana staring at me with an apparent sweetness which did not totally conceal her dishonorable intentions. When I raised my eyes, I felt my heart explode inside my chest when I met those black eyes that seemed to want to devour me. At that moment I regretted having accepted that invitation, and I felt a desire to get away from that place as soon as possible, before it was too late.
Diana must have become aware of my nervousness since at that moment she got off her chair and said she was going to go and get some refreshments. Minutes later, the romantic music of Roberto Carlos could be heard in the background: “Smiling I held you in my arms…”
Diana returned with two glasses of orange juice. She offered me one. As she handed it to me, our finger tips touched, sending an electrical discharge that almost made me drop my glass.
Then we engaged in a conversation about the daily happenings; the school teachers and their flaws; our favorite subjects; family problems; her childhood in Colombia…and suddenly, Diana touched the subject of love!
She was behind me. While I narrated to her with enthusiasm one of my adventures hunting iguanas with my little buddies in El Salvador, the bold Diana placed her right hand on my left shoulder and she ran her hand slowly until she started touching my hair gently. I went speechless.
In a very pleasing voice Diana began: “Alfonso, you and I need to address a certain subject, sooner or later…”
Looking for an out to such an uncomfortable situation, the recollection of her boyfriend came to my mind. And I experienced a slight fury remembering that Diana had no right to propose what she was about to propose in the next few minutes.
In a icy tone I stated: “Diana, please take your hands off me”. There was a lengthy pause and all that could be heard was our own breathing. Not knowing what to say, she suddenly withdrew her hand. I added: “I think it’s better that I leave…”
Not saying another word, and without looking at her, I left.
When I got home I felt confused. I felt pride for not having soiled my dignity, even though at the same time I felt a certain regret for having rejected such a beautiful woman. And deep inside me, my “macho-man” side gave me slaps in the face reminding me that my conduct was far from being worthy of a true man who never lets a good opportunity slip past him.
The relationship between Diana and I could be described as a series of lessons in love and jealousy. And even though Diana Victoria Hernández and I were never lovers, Diana was beyond any doubt the woman who turned me into a man. It is Diana who taught me that one must never fall in love with a woman whose heart is committed to someone else. And the man who violates this rule will have to face the consequences.
Many years later, three thousand miles away from that tiny Caribbean nation, finally, a daring young lady managed to get from me what Diana tried to get in vain.
It all happened when I left for the exotic city of Quebec, located three hours from Montreal, in what is termed as “La Belle Province”. There, on a hot summer afternoon, in the loneliness of my humble bedroom, I lost my innocence.
I remember it as if had happened yesterday: the rushed breathing mixed with ecstasy, while she transported me to a remote and unknown place in the universe. Minutes later, this voyage culminated in a shuddering moan in a confused panic. And it was in that precise moment when I exploded in a thousand pieces and every part of me was scattered all over the galaxy. What seemed to be an eternity afterwards, I managed to discover my body exhausted and semi-conscious, my eyes staring blankly at the ceiling, pondering. In silence I whispered: “My childhood…has remained behind forever”.
Yes, there have been other women; there has been the odd lover. But none of them had the impact that Diana had in my life. Twelve years later, I still sigh inadvertently when Diana’s memory comes to my mind.
Diana! If only I had been less proud, less arrogant, you would have had this privilege. God Damn! But my pride and dignity are far more important than any physical drive. And even to this day it gives me great joy to be able to say that I never satisfied the whims of Diana. Never, never…